Arrrgghhhh!!! Nothing Fits

I'm due to go to a christening tomorrow and last week, glancing in my wardrobe that is already full to bursting, I decided nope I don't need a new outfit. Surely, there is something I can find to wear.  So tonight I thought I'd have a little look and see what I could find.  Oh my god, out of the 70 plus dresses I cannot find a single one that I want to wear.

I have spent the last hour trying outfit after outfit after outfit.  The discarded pile building up as clothes started getting thrown around and I started to get increasingly annoyed.  It's a good job the kids have decided to stay at their dads.  I have to be honest been like a demented woman. Slamming doors, throwing stuff around and generally letting off steam. 

Then to make matters worse I looked at the devastation that I had left in my path and had to spend a further 15 minutes placing every item and shoving them back into the wardrobe all the while swearing and cursing under my breath.

It really doesn't help that just recently the weight has, to be honest, been creeping up a bit.  Ever since I stopped smoking, slowly but surely, the odd pound has crept on here and there.  Well, it has got to stop.  It's got to stop now and start going in the opposite direction.

The time has come for drastic action.  There is no way that I am going to start buying bigger sizes.  I have been down that road before and ended up being fairly large.  I promised myself after losing 5 stone and slimming down to a tiny size 8 that I would never let it spin out of control again and yet here I am.

So, from Monday there will be no more chocolate, or chips, or crisps, or anything remotely bad for me.  It's going to be full on healthy eating and the worst part, more exercise.  I need to get motivated and sort it.  I may have to dig out the photo of when I was at my largest to remind me of what I do not want to go back to. 

The outlook is bleak!

I have my crystal ball out and I can already predict that this weekend is not going to go according to plan and once again all my best made plans are going to go flying out of the window.

So, it's the scheduled weekend for the kids to go and stay at their dads.  Hmm, that is where I may have a problem.  After being fine all day, at around 7pm this evening Faye started complaining of a sore throat.  "Oh you'll be fine,"I told her.  Only half an hour later to find her burning up, wrapped in a blanket, shivering and looking as white as a ghost.  "I don't feel very well, mummy," she said. You aren't pulling a fast one kid because you look terrible.

I have snuggled her up in bed dosed up with calpol and ibuprofen.  The bad news is that I know once the medicine has worn off, she will be burning up and looking to come and snuggle in mummy's bed.  Oh the joy!  Good old tonsilitus is back with us again.
 
As with previous bouts of the illness, of which we are frequently plagued, she will point blank refuse to leave my side tomorrow.  She is very much a mummy's girl, especially when she ill.  She will choose to lay on the sofa watching numerous DVDs.  I'm predicting we watch Disneys the little mermaid, yet again, and maybe tangled.

So, that will quite possibly be Faye at home with me this weekend.  What to do about Charlie? He's fit and well and will quite happily go trotting off to his daddies tomorrow, I hope.  The sleeping over part I am not so sure he will handle. It's complicated!!! 

Anyway, I can now see that the routine me and the ex have had in place is going to go very very wrong.  The kids seem to be starting to adapt to sleeping at their dads, which is a good thing. It's taken a long time to get to this point and it was working fairly well.  It firstly, gives me a well deserved break to recharge my batteries.  Also I do and have always maintained that I want them to have a good relationshp with their dad.  But, he is not very flexible and point blanks refuses to change his plans.

Looks like if the kids don't end up staying this weekend, the next weekend they will spend with him will be 4 weeks away.  Meaning the routine has been lost and basically it will be like starting all over again.  Next weekend he can't have them because as I will be told "It's not his weekend".  The weekend after has already been re-arranged because Faye has a dance show and once again I have to deal with that and adapt my plans. The weekend after will once again be "my weekend".

 The next full weekend I will have to myself will be 28 July.  5 weeks without a proper break.  No doubt by that time I will be stressed to the max.  Better take some deep breaths and prepare myself.  I've handled it before, on numerous occassions and no doubt it will be a walk a park (yeah right) this time.

Changes ahead!

It's been a while since my last blog post.  I have just sat down with a large glass of wine and decided that I really should post something, anything... The truth of it is that I'm wondering whether to carry on with this, find a new direction with it or quit it. I can't see me quitting because to be honest, I love it but it's become a bit stale. I do have a few ideas that I am playing around with so who knows there maybe some changes ahead.   I just feel a bit lost with it all.

The divorce is no further on then it was months ago.  Through gritted teeth I informed my solicitor that, yes, I would attend mediation at the ex's suggestion.  I was told I would receive a letter with a date and time etc for me to attend.  Well, I'm still waiting on that one.  I filed my paperwork with the court applying for decree nisi and surprise surprise I have heard nothing on that one either. 

I 'm beginning to think that this could more than likely go down as one of the longest divorces ever.  We would have been maried for almost 6 years and I have spent 2 years trying to divorce. That's a third of my marriage which isn't bad going.  I would really just like to know what the actual hold up with it is.  Answers on a postcard please.

I do have loads of stuff going on in my life at the minute and I think that there will be some fairly big changes, possibly,maybe, in the not to distant future. Due to this, just lately I have spent a lot of time writing my personnal diary, and no some things are just not meant for sharing.  It is defimately for my eyes only. Yes, I will admit that it does involve a man but that is all the gossip I am sharing for the minute.

My diary, I have to admit is my therepy.  It helps me to make sense of life and all the things going on.  This may sound straange but writing a diary has helped to change me as a person.  Before any issues good or bad I would look at in, a kind of, single minded way.  Now, I can write things down and this helps me to see things from different angles and maybe come up with different answers and or soutions.  It is also the only place that I can go to have a good arguement with myself and I do a lot of that.  Infact, there's Pages of it. 

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Ahoy there!!!

It's been a typical rubbish half term.  The weather put paid to all my best made plans and I've been pulling my hair out, stuck indoors, with two bored kids.  Charlie has been his, worse than normal. naughty self and spent most of the last two days on the naughty stop.  This morning with the sun shinning I decided to pack up the car and head off to the seaside.  We all needed to go out have some fun and let off some steam.

We have had one of the best days.  The sun shone, the beach was almost deserted and I could almost imagine that I was hundreds of miles away.  The kids played happily for a while building sandcastles and digging holes leaving me free to have a sneaky little half an hour with the delectable Mr Grey (50 shades Trilogy). 

After a while it was time for a little wander and we packed up and headed off the to catch the land train along Bridlington Promenade.  From there, we went to the harbour and bought ice creams and doughnuts before setting sail on a pirate ship for a little trip around Brid Bay. It was the first time that the kids have been on a boat and they loved every second.  Charlie's face was a picture as the boat started to move.  He clung to me and went as white as a sheet, luckily that soon passed and he soon had the biggest grin on his face, especially when he received a pirate flag to wave around.  Faye just giggled all the time. 

We just had time for game of crazy golf before it was time to head for home.  The best part of my day was when Faye put her arms around me and said "I think your the bestest mummy in the world and I have had the greatest, bestest most fabulous day ever, ever, ever" What more can I ask for?

Charity Buckets

Moving on from my post of 18 April 2012 on Charity Cold Callers I now have a further moan to make.  I'm getting a bit fed up of being pressured upon entering and leaving shops.  My local supermarket seems to have a different charity every day standing at the entrance with collection buckets. 

Don't get me wrong, I have no objection to putting change into them and more often then not I do just that.  What I don't like is the guilt you feel when you actually say no.  Take today I genuinely did not have any change in my purse and when I walked past I felt horrible.  Sometimes you have to draw the line.

The part I hate is when they engage you in conversation.  A couple of weeks ago I had gone to the newsagents for a magazine and there was actually a stall set up with two young girls stopping every customer that was leaving and trying to get them to set up a direct debit for a certain charity. All that managed to do is get my back up and I now tend to go to another shop for my magazine. 

 It's awful that some people don't have clean water to drink and are dying of starvation. That children are abused. That people have debilitating illnesses. Not forgetting the dogs needing homes. The world is a cruel place and I can't help everyone one.  So which one do I pick? Which charity do I choose to help?

Is it me that is just a grumpy old cow or does anyone else feel the same way? Where do we draw the line and say yeah, OK, I sympathise but I cannot afford to donate to every charity no matter the heartbreaking stories that we are told.

I know !

In my recent writing classes we did some exercises and I am quite pleased with this little piece so thought I would share my random scribblings today.

                        I know ...

I know that things in life move on.
I once knew where my path was heading.
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow.
Nor do I know where I'm going now.

I know how to smile.
I'm once knew how to laugh.
I don't know why I cry.
Nor do I know why I feel so scared.

I know that things happen for a reason.
I once knew who I was.
I don't know anything for certain anymore.
Nor do I know what the future has in store.

It's all over!

I have just read that the celebrity Myleene Klass has been left by her husband of 6 months.  Leaving her to bring up her two children.  Reading further on they had been in a steady relationship 11 years before marrying and 6 months later he's walked because he's realised that he doesn't want to married anymore.  Obviously there are always two sides to every story but it's got me thinking why do people that have been in a long term stable relationship, get married after years of being together only to split up shortly afterwards.

Me and my soon to be ex-husband had been together for 6 years and had Faye before getting married.  Looking back it seems that it was from that point that things went seriously wrong.  Prior to getting married I can only look back and remember the good times that we had to together.  The plans and dreams that we had.  The laughs and the fun.  To the world we were the perfect couple.  He was my life and I was his.  I thought I knew him inside and out,  I was wrong.

Then the wedding was set. The vows said and everything disappeared. The magic no longer existed  Things went irretrievably wrong.  He changed as a person and more than likely so did I.    Maybe he stopped trying.  Maybe so did I.  Neither of us has been blameless in any of this.  With the time I have had to sit and reflect on certain things I can see now where the indicators where but being blinkered you carry on the best that you can and try to work things out the best that you can.  I guess sometimes that this just isn't enough.

I have heard so many stories of a similar kind.  What is it with the whole being married scenario that appears actually destroy relationships instead of making them stronger.  Maybe society today is to accepting of divorce and separation.  Years ago it was frowned upon to get divorced and or have children out of wedlock.  Sadly, nowadays it is seen as the norm!

The Path of True Love

Yesterday was a day of street parties at the children's schools.  I spent the morning with Charlie at his playschool and it was so nice to spend a couple of hours with him in the school environment and to truly see how he interacts with the other children and teachers.  It was also a chance to see him in action with his little girlfriend.

They are just like a little old married couple walking along hand in hand.  Where one goes the other is never far behind.  They were having great fun playing with dinosaurs, which involved lining them all up and feeding them sticks for their snacks before burying them in the sand pit and finally washing them in the water tray.  It was hungry work so it wasn't long before they were both tucking into a party dinner consisting of cheese sandwiches, sausage rolls and a huge amount of fairy cakes, all washed down with orange cup drinks.

It was whilst sat side by side paper plates precariously balanced on knees that Charlie decided to make his move and tried to plant a kiss on his girls cheek.  Luckily she was 10 steps ahead of him and gave him that warning glare that told him don't you dare! It didn't stop him in his tracks he still continued to gaze dolefully into her eyes with his lips puckered.  Sadly he failed in his mission.

Before long there was heartbreak.  His girl opted to go and play with her girlfriends leaving Charlie non to happy.  Finding him sitting dejectedly on the edge of the sandpit with the weight of the world on his little shoulders.  "What's up mate?"I asked, "my girlfriend doesn't love me anymore" he sighed.  "Want a cuddle off your mummy?" To which he got up, ran to me,almost knocked me off my feet, threw his arms around me and snuggled up.  After a little cuddle and a heart to heart he was good to go.  Running off he spotted the paint roller in the water table and proceeded to chase all the girls making them all scream while his eyes glinted with mischief.

I can see that he is growing up to be a little heart breaker and he is going to have loads of girls swooning over the little monkey. 

Then there's my little Princess who looked so grown up going to her party.  It's scary how quickly she is growing up. I sat last night just thinking about where the last 7 years have gone.  It doesn't seem two minutes ago that she was a baby in the arms.  So much has happened these past few years not just the whole separation and divorce but she has dealt with everything that has been thrown at her so bravely and I am so proud of my little girl.